48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
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The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed