a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
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For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”