I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
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I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
2 years later
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
the prophecy has been fulfilled
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.