Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
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If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?