best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
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Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest