[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
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Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Velcrow
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.