Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
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BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
decorating my apartment
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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