DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
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5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Does your wife know you’re single?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings