Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
i prefer mine room temperature.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.