My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
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Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery