I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
You Might Also Like
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell