“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
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Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black