Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
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Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Cha-ching is my safe word
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
This line from Airplane.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’