*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
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parents: you are what you eat
kids:
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’ll be mad as hell!
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.