will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
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Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.