According to math, I’m broke
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[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.