Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
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Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to