If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
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the pigeons are already plenty salty
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
it’s finally my moment to shine