A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
You Might Also Like
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”