One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
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waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them