Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
doing your own taxes
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.