Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
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How high do the levels go?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.