Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
You Might Also Like
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.