I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
You Might Also Like
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
m’lady
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”