at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
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so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills