The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
You Might Also Like
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??