Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
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Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
🙀🙀🙀😹
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer