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I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo