Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
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I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
#gardening
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”