BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
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Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?