“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Mouse
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches