[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
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Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
What’s so funny?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that