Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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Dad: Iâm sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
âSorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.â
Was it something I said?
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Somebodyâs lying.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
đđŸ
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet âthey got meâ and then log off
âOh hell yesâ – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air