On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
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“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine