The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
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me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.