[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
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Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
When you let grandma cat sit
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Sign at work today
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.