Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
You Might Also Like
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I love the National Park Service.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.