This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!