Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
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Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Stop sending me this shit.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.