Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
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What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
That time Alicia messaged me
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.