If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything