It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
You Might Also Like
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots