Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
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Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.