wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
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Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
goldfish mafia
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.