I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
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It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.