Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
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If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP