*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
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Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.