[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
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I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I’m about to risk it all
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
😂😂😂
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
me irl