A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
You Might Also Like
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
A dad and his duck
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Steam Forums
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.