MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
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When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Whisper out to librarians!
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again